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Let’s go over the checklist for the typical, jumpy horror movie and see how ‘The Unborn” measures up:

1. Creepy British kid? Check.
2. People crawling up stairs like human spiders? Double check.
3. Old people telling stories? This movie looks like its full of spooky old people wisdom.
4. Sexy “up and coming” actress in her underwear? This movie has hot ass for miles.

So basically this movie looks like a mash up of The Grudge, The Ring, The Omen, and other various heinous horror movies starting with “The”. When I first saw this preview, I instinctively reached for my trusty flask of Turkey (which was at my side in the theatre for drinking pleasure) because I knew it would be the greatest piece of trash to come out in movie theatres… for the week of January 9, at least.

Also, its tag line, “It wants to be born..NOW” has toppled Strictly Ballroom for best tag line in the history of movies: “There’s something in the air.. it could be love.. but its not“.

That is a tough tag line to beat.

A few things trouble me about the premise of this movie: Why is this skank’s dead twin a six-year old child? Didn’t he die in the womb? Isn’t she in her early twenties? Do children age slower in limbo? Why is he dressed like Tiny Tim? Shouldn’t he dress like a kid stuck in the 80s?

I know its hip to have creepy kids in jumpy horror movies like this, but this is just ridiculous. And would somebody tell me why Gary Oldman is in this movie? Oh yeah, he probably got a fat paycheque from this, so I can’t really judge.

This movie also stars the chick from Cloverfield (another shitty horror movie I didn’t see), Odette Yustman, who will surely rocket to stardom after this movie hits theatres. Also starring is the douche young actor from Never Back Down, Cam Gigandet, in the supportive boyfriend role.

This movie makes me want to leave my flask at home and opt for smuggling in the whole bottle into the theatres. I predict that I will see this movie once it hits cheap theatres with my roommate and a generous helping of Wild Turkey.

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