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Slow motion! Blue penis! Wicked fight scenes! Shiny tight suits! Hot sex! Is this what happens when two Heapsters get together to watch a movie? Yes. If all of the aforementioned things are happening in that movie and that movie is Watchmen. Yes, the most anticipated film of this spring has finally hit theatres and is looking for action. I, along with Heapster Carlene (a fellow fan of the graphic novel), got our nerd on to brave the midnight premiere. Were we impressed? Were we aroused? Were our paradigms subverted? Read on to find out!

Going to a midnight movie that is as anticipated as Watchmen means standing in line for prolonged periods of time. We saw some nerds that dressed up (supercool yet super nerdy) and had an awkward experience regarding the security guards. Kids, get your id’s ready to see this movie, it is rated 18A and they will card you. Unless, of course, you get the security guard we had, who said, and I quote, “This is retarded. I stomped on some dude’s popcorn”, and gave up shortly afterward.

For all two of you who don’t know what Watchmen is about, here is a quick synopsis. In the late 80s, graphic novel wizard Alan Moore released a landmark comic series about watches. No, the novel was about an old band of superheroes and their responsibilities to society. The movie stays extremely close to the plot of the novel, which follows Rorschach et al. (The Minutemen) as they traipse around New York City circa 1985, trying to save the world from its imminent doom. Or are they?

What we liked

Kyle: Almost everything about this movie is good. It is stunning from a visual perspective, the cinematography accurately matched the look and feel that was in the graphic novel. The score was fantastic. It was emotional and fit the mood of the film perfectly.

Carlene: I am biased, so I’ll say that Patrick “hot piece” Wilson (Hard Candy, Little Children) was the good in this movie. No, I enjoyed this movie. It was beautiful, stayed true to a complicated storyline, and overall I thought that director Zack Snyder (300) did the novel justice. Sweet, sexy justice. And speaking of sexy… this movie had penis-

Kyle: Computer penis. Dr.Manhattan was naked for the majority of the film. Perhaps the film’s strongest point, in my opinion, was Billy Crudup’s (Stage Beauty, Mission Impossible III) portrayal of this stoic, enigmatic character. Played with extreme subtlety, and with a grace not seen in most “comic book” movies, it was a breath of fresh air to watch him perform. The second best performance was, by a close margin, Jackie Earl Haley’s (Semi-Pro, Little Children) performance as Rorschach. At once dark and brooding, yet emotionally deep (and not to mention the perfect look for the role), he was as close to my idea of the character as I could imagine.

Carlene: I agree, but I also think that Jeffery Dean Morgan (best known for being Denny on Grey’s Anatomy) should get a mention for his Comedian, which I thought was fantastic. And of course, I cannot stress how attractive good of an actor Patrick Wilson is in the role of Nite Owl II. His nerdy sweetness captured my heart from the first moment he appeared onscreen to wipe off his glasses. Le sigh.

Kyle: Also, I think we need to mention the violence in this movie. Extremely graphic, but so freakin’ awesome. The fight scenes are really well done and all the gore looks better than your average chocolate syrup job.

What we thought could have been better

Kyle: As what happens with the acting in most superhero movies, the acting on whole is sub par. Matthew Goode’s (Brideshead Revisited) portrayal of Ozymandias — while he was physically perfect and occasionally had moments of greatness — just wasn’t very good. I mean, yeah, Ozymandias is a cold, calculating genius, but I thought that he could have given a stronger performance.

Carlene: As a chick, I have to say that I was disappointed in the ladies of this film: Silk Spectre II, played by Malin Akerman (27 Dresses) and Silk Spectre I, played by Carla Gugino (The Unborn). Their performances weren’t bad.. they just weren’t all that great. They did look super hot in tight latex suits. Boner Bonus points!

Kyle: The one lady in this movie who did not get enough play was Apollonia Vanova, who played the hotness that was Silhouette, who gets killed off too quickly for my liking.

Carlene: Oh! Richard Nixon! The dude who plays Richard Nixon, Robert Wisden.

Kyle: Goddamn cartoon nose. It took me out of it.

Carlene: He did play Robert Patrick Model in two of my favorite episodes of “The X-Files”. But his Nixon was so effing cheesy.

Kyle: Ner-herd.

Carlene: The movie was three hours long, and while I usually get cranky or sleepy in long movies, I thought that the length was perfect. Kyle agrees too, but he likes long movies more than I do.

Conclusion

Should you You should see this movie. You will not be disappointed. If you are a fan of the graphic novel, comic books in general, Zach Snyder, slow motion computer penises (also some boobs) or awesome movies in general, you will enjoy this movie. Take it from two Heapsters in the know: Watchmen is worth all the hype and more.

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