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While shopping for various foods and sugared goods, my girlfriend and I came across this odd looking fruit. I was immediately drawn to its vibrant beauty.

“What the shit is this?!”

I looked at the label and found I was staring at a fruit called “horned melon”.

“Appropriate.”

“Let’s get it!”, Kym said to me.

Listening to the wise words of my dearest, I tossed it in our basket and we continued on our way. A couple days later, Kym and I decided it was time to bust out the horned melon (or as learned on the mighty Googernet, the “kiwano”). After admiring the strangeness of the kiwano’s outsides, I finally brought myself to observe the kiwano’s insides.

“Gah!”

“What?”, Kym asked from the living room.

I don’t think I’ll ever get back my youthful desire to look at the insides of something again; nothing can look as unappetizing as this thing did. It actually looked as though I just split open some kind of sea creature.

Refusing to give up that early in the game, I grabbed a spoon and began digging into the gelatinous mess that is the kiwano’s insides. I tried some of the juices… Not bad. Sort of bitter and tangy. I slurped up some of the tiny packets that appeared to be the actual fruit. Bad move, it seemed. The seeds weren’t good, in any sense of the word. They were crunchy and even more bitter than the damned fruit itself. Curious as to how to properly extract the seeds from the tiny sacs, I retired to my Google Access Terminal (computer). This is what I found:

Pinch the sac of fruit gently with your front teeth. The seed should be between your teeth and closed lips. Suck the sac of fruit through your top and bottom teeth. Your teeth should be pinching enough to hold the seed on the outside of your teeth, yet still allowing the sac of fruit to be sucked to the back of your mouth. Spit the seed out.

Though incredibly cumbersome, the technique was a success. High-fives all ’round.

However, was it really worth it? Short answer: No, not really. Tasting much like a mix of cucumber, kiwi and a dash of lime, the kiwano fruit has a rather complex taste. This serves to lessen it’s effectiveness as a tasty fruit. Despite this, one could make a yummy kiwano sorbet or perhaps even a kiwano shake. Neat!

My biggest disappointment with the kiwano was not its taste but rather its design. Having seeds nearly the size of the sacs that contain them is just dumb. The tediousness that is eating this fruit would bring even the most enthusiastic data entry technician to his/her knees. I condemn the creator of this fruit* for neglecting the needs of the bitter-fruit-eaters of the world.

As for the colours, the kiwano kicks the asses of most fruits I’ve ever come across. With its deceptive orange-coloured skin and deep green, gelatinous insides, the kiwano is certainly not an eyesore. In fact, the primary use for this fruit is decoration. If I have any say in the matter, it shall remain that way until the end of existence.

Rating:

*Note: I’ve yet to find out who this is…

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