TwoWordHeap

Photo by {link:http://www.flickr.com/photos/maximilianritter/3042836771/}maximilian.ritter{/link}

The other day I was talking about how much I hate my life, and for those of you that are nearest and dearest to me^[1], you will note that that is generally all the time. I was talking about how much I hate that I have Verizon^[2] because I want a GOD DAMN iPHONE!!! NOW!!! Where is my iPhone?! Well apparently it is in EVERYONE ELSE’S POCKET BUT MINE! If you have an iPhone, I hate you. If you’ve touched an iPhone, I hate you. And if you call people that own iPhones, I hate you.

But I digress…

I mentioned to my dad during one of my many tirades that I’m thinking about switching to AT&T so I can get the iPhone, and in response he drops a single bit of dialog that blew up my whole fucking world: “I’m thinking of getting an iPhone.”

*stunned silence*

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! My 73 year old, confused by doorknobs and spoons, father is thinking about getting the most gadgetty of gadgets ever?! This is the same person who returned the Jitterbug (view ad) cell phone for being to complicated…

Anyways, this got me thinking about seniors and cell phones (well, seniors and iPhones, to be specific) and I quickly realized that there are many aspects of iPhones that the elderly wouldn’t even know exist.

THE TOP 5 THINGS THE ELDERLY CAN’T DO ON THE iPHONE!

I honestly just thought about saying “EVERYTHING” but that is just lazy…

• 5 Take Pictures

  Here is a fun experiment, the next time you are around an elderly person, grab their phone and look at their photo album… I’d be willing to bet that you will be entertained. When I look at my fathers photo album it is various pictures of his pocket and his face confused as he tries to “see who is calling”.

  The problem here is that they try to take pictures, well that is when they remember that there is a camera on their phone, but what they don’t realize is that they don’t have to put it on a tripod, put a black cloth over their head, and hold flash powder in a tray above their head to get a good shot. Making things “easier” ends up making things more complicated for the elderly, because they cling to “way they did it when they were younger”^[3], if you grow up with a technology you can do it forever, and they grew up with no technology… they are screwed.^[4]

• 4 Text Messages

  They can’t do this when they have buttons to push, what makes you think they are going to do it on a touch screen. Text messages to the elderly are like condoms to white trash; they know they exist but they don’t really comprehend, or want to comprehend, their purpose.

  Watching my Dad read a text message on his second generation Razor is hilarious. His phone makes a noise and, after he attempts to answer it multiple times, he quickly realizes it is a text. After a 47 minute search for his glasses, he returns to read the text, that is if he doesn’t forget why he was looking for his glasses in the first place.

  Which brings me to an interesting point about the old in general: Why are they unwilling to get the actual prescription for their glasses? It is almost like a girl with SMALL boobs unwilling to buy a bra that works because they like to pretend they are much bigger… OR ME, for example, purchasing shoes that are 10 1/2 even though my feet are smaller out of fear of admitting to the world that my feet are tinier than Elijah Wood. Anyways, they purchase glasses with weaker magnification or prescription than they need, and when they are wearing their glasses they still have to put the item they are reading 47 feet away just to read it! COME ON PEOPLE! Let’s all be honest with ourselves… it isn’t hard.

• 3 Change a setting

  My dad’s phone is practically non-operational when he accidentally hits the side rocker and turns the ringer off. He doesn’t understand why all of a sudden he keeps missing phone calls, and he gets in very long arguments with people trying to explain how they are lying to him about calling him. And finally, after weeks of arguments and phantom voice mails, he comes to me with the face akin to a sane person who’s been listening to Carrot Top trying to explain jokes to him for 14 hours, and he tells me his phone is broken. Less than ten seconds later, the phone is fixed and he goes on with his life.

  This made me think about how much time my dad wastes trying to figure things out that I can solve in less than a minute, and it kinda makes me depressed… so I will stop there.

• 2 Use an App… any app.

  First, you would have to spend 3 hours explaining Apps and how it is short for applications, and after that you will spend a lifetime trying to explain the point of apps. This will get confusing to even you after just ten minutes. A lifetime of it will lead you down a path of madness and eventually you won’t be able to decipher even the simplest of technologies… Yes, it is contagious.

  Apps turn your iPhone into the customizable, mini computer it is meant to be. The elderly don’t comprehend the LARGE COMPUTER, so what makes you think that a miniature computer will be more “Elderly Friendly”?

  Hilariously, my Dad also recently informed me that he wants to start learning how to use a computer… and boy have we been down this road before. Essentially what he wants is a detailed “how to” or “step by step” way of doing stuff on the computer. This is something I, and many others, have done many many times. I remember writing out a 2-3 page detailed, step by step instruction sheet on how to scan pictures and/or print pictures from an SD card on his cool picture printer. He still continually asks me how to do it… and eventually I end up doing it. And please note: he never even looked at the paper that I spend an hour or so writing.

  As it turns out, the joke it on me, because apparently the manufacturer already writes out these “step by step” processes in a little thing called a “manual”.

• 1 Make Phone Calls

  They will just be confused why their aren’t numbers on the phone. Having to actually hit a button to turn your iPhones phone application on will just baffle them, and I am fairly certain that the phrase “How do I use my phone as a phone?” will be mumbled quite often… with “dag nab-it” picking up the rear of the technological curse.

  My dad claims “The phone is so easy! All you have to do is hit pictures with your fingers for what you want!”… Apparently my dad has officially mistaken the iPhone for the till at your local MacDonalds…^[5]

Those are the top 5 things that the elderly can’t do with an iPhone. In reality, it might be a good thing because maybe I will end up with the iPhone… just like I have ended up with many of the technological things that my Dad has received over the years; iPod Nano, GPS Navigation system, etc.

1. which in reality is no one [↩]
2. note: I love Verizon’s network, it is the greatest network in the whole god damn world [↩]
3. essentially what I like to call “The Good Ole Days Syndrome” [↩]
4. sorry Leo LaPorte obviously some REALLY OLD PEOPLE can grasp technology [↩]
5. “I’d like a cheeseburger”
   McD’s employee hits his BURGER picture then CHEESE picture.
   “I’d like a Large Coke and a Jumbo Super Sized Fries”
   The McD’s Employee hits his COKE and FRIES picture, and then the OBESE FAT ASS picture [↩]

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