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I was sitting around doing nothing of worth when Tyler said, “Hey! Get off your lazy ass and write something!” now being the goal-oriented guy that I am with a wild imagination, I simply said, “About what?” Then I was thankful Tyler wasn’t around because I am sure he would have hit me, as he screamed, “Write about what if ketchup were the only condiment!”.

Instead I decided to expand on an already ridiculous idea and write an article brimming with potential. For your reading pleasure I give you:

We live in a world full of exciting choices; we pick what shoes to wear, we can chose a style that we feel suits us, we can even chose the company we keep. But, the most wonderful of all choices we have is the blessed freedom to make the choice of what we would like to put on a hamburger.

There’s such a dazzling array of toppings. We have mustards and relish, tiny chopped up onions, tomatoes, pickles and yes even the thrilling banana pepper. But how many times have you been sitting at a burger shop somewhere with some friends and said, “Man, there is nothing like a burger covered in hot peppers”?

Lets fast forward this scenario about 26 seconds, shall we? As your friend disagrees and claims there is no better topping than a sweet relish, fast forward again 30 seconds. Now you and your friend are on the floor of the burger shop throwing punches at each other because you have disagreed on what is perhaps the most important choice you can make in life.

Imagine sitting in front of a big delicious looking and tantalizing smelling burger, where the odour screams, “Eat me!”. But alas, the all-beef patty is plain, as plain as that sheet of construction paper before some imaginative child makes the first cut or draws the first line. Despite knowing the potential behind this “empty canvas”, we lack the know-how to go about making it the work of art is could be. That is, until the wondrous magic of the condiments.

But wait! I had almost forgotten… what condiments?

All I have within my reach is that red-dyed, squeezable paste made with such a combination of ingredients that the world would be a little more depressing without. Slightly tangy, partly sweet, thick and viscous ketchup! Gloriously tomato, mouthwateringly vinegary, the perfect topping for any fast, made-off-the-grill dinner.

But when is it too much? When will I get tired of that thick, red, spreadable paste?

The answer is obvious: never. I could never become tired of Ketchup. Besides, I control portions. Maybe I want more thick and pasty red all over my meal. Maybe I just want a drop or two. Maybe I want my food to smile at me with a funny little red mouth and funny little beady red eyes.

The beauty of this wonder topping is that it doesn’t even need to be confined to just burgers and hot dogs. What about ketchup-flavoured wings? Mmmmmm, can’t you just taste them? God that sounds so good I can’t wait for the next wing night. Already I am seeing that all I’ll ever need to make all of my food choices is ketchup; the single most versatile food in the world (next to Soylent Green, of course, that food can be anything).

Let’s take this a step further: ketchup on a global scale. For too long we have been fighting wars because we can’t agree with somebody else over what is the better condiment. But that’s not the case with condiments because there is only ketchup. What other food can stop an argument better than a big, juicy, ketchup-smoked steak?

Not a meat eater? No problem! How about celery with ketchup to smear into the middle of the stalks? OR how about ketchup-stuffed mushrooms? What a wonderful world we live in that is so filled to the brim with ketchup!

However, we should not be greedy. I suggest that for every ketchup-topped meal we order, $1 goes towards supplying the ketchup-less people of the world with all the ketchup they so richly deserve. Now that we have done the single most meaningful thing we, as a human culture, could possibly do and eliminate all but one condiment, let’s take a look at the burger shop scenario again, shall we?

You and your friend are sitting together eating when you utter those fate-deciding words: “Ketchup is the only worthwhile condiment”. Twenty-six seconds later, from your friend: “Yeah, definitely the best topping you could possibly ask for. Who the hell would want to sully this sumptuous beef patty by putting on anything else?”.

Next thing you know, you and your friend are hugging it out saying that you’re both so glad that ketchup is your only choice. What a wonderful, kodak moment! Kind of gets you right in the heart there, doesn’t it?

Thank you all for your time and your equal love for the condiment that makes everything so red.

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