TwoWordHeap

This is the last weekend of MAYmoty and holy crap it doesn’t end with a whimper… it ends with a “I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH GIANT SWORDS, NINJA STARS, AND PAUL BUNYAN SODOMY!”

Wow, why did I insert^[1] the mental image of being sodomized by a fictional, giant lumberjack? Bad idea.

Anyways, this weekend is going to be awesome. And this is the only weekend this month with 2 critical successes being released wide at the same. So here we go.

UP

Pixar can’t do anything wrong. I think I said that this will be the weakest Pixar movie. I would look it up, but I am too lazy, and honestly I hate reading my horrible writing. Anyways, I was wrong. This movie is going to be one of the strongest Pixar flicks and will be the best movie to be released thus far this year. Normally I reserve “Above the Trailer” for just summarizing the flick, but there is nothing to summarize. An old guy with regrets goes on an epic fantastical adventure by tying a bunch of helium filled balloons to his house. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE! So there is no reason for me to delve into it. Also, is there ever any suspense when talking about whether you should see a Pixar movie?

View Trailer

Whether or NOT?!: YES.
This movie is going to appeal to everyone. And that is why Pixar is brilliant. They are able to entertain a baby just as much as jingling keys, and they are able to entertain adult males more than porn. Something that can cross the lines like that is obviously some of the greatest entertainment in the history of cinema.

Yes I just implied that Pixar may be the most important and greatest implemented cinematic force ever.

Notables: Ed Asner, Christopher Plummer, Delroy Lindo, & of course… John Ratzenberger.

Drag Me To Hell

Some of you may know how I feel about horror flicks. I hate how they are gore for the sake of gore… I hate how they are slash and startle and now story and substance! I hate that they have boobs and asses for no other reason than to have boobs and asses! WRITE SOMETHING THAT IS GOOD and MAYBE I won’t hate the genre! Give me something that isn’t cliché and predictable!

WAKE UP HORROR GENRE AND GO BACK TO YOUR ROOTS!

View Trailer

Whether or NOT?!: Oh… OK… well thank you for listening to me… THIS IS A HUGE YES!
One of the best flicks of the year thus far.

Sam Raimi flexes is superior talents in this movie, and easily swats aside such novices and no talents like Eli Roth and Uwe Boll. And I hope that Eli reads this and hears his name in the same sentence as Uwe. And I hope that Uwe reads this and tries to kick my ass.

Oh… you didn’t know about that? Yeah, he as FOUGHT critics. Literally, in a boxing ring. Yeah he is really cool.

Notables: Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi, Alison Lohman, Justin Long, Ted Raimi, and there are also 3 more Raimi’s involved…

That’s a lot of Raimi.

Predictions

• Two movies will make over 50 million dollars this weekend.
• Two other movies will make over 20 million dollars this weekend.
• And Star Trek will hold strong.

1. Why did I say insert? [↩]

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